dear Lisa,

Thom and I went to see you at the show, you were amazing and beautiful and amazing, I thought your dog story was the best, and it was good to see you and I really wanted to say hi but then also felt like running away quick before the lights came on. I dreamt about you a few weeks ago, you were moving to Germany forever with your new boyfriend and I arrived too late so I couldn't say goodbye. Then (in the real world) I was looking for flats on a website and saw your room up for rent... and so I figured either you moved a long time ago or you just moved and who knows, maybe my dream is true? Anyway. I'm writing to you and feeling stupid because there's no reason to write to you other than to say you've been present in my mind lately and maybe I'm not supposed to say that because that means you win and you can't win because I've missed you but I've not missed you.

It was so strange seeing you on stage because it was like you were your own hologram, there but utterly not there, and telling a story that you told me in one of those intense questioning sessions where you poured out your guts for me and I knew that no matter how drunk or tired I was or how direct and astute your questions were I was never going to open up to you because I felt utterly humiliated in a way even now I don't understand.

I have a few memories/reclamos: desayuno trepadas como gatos en las bardas, a labyrinth of back gardens, chilly morning April sun, your birthday donde te cumplimos todos tus caprichos - my birthday a few weeks later with no sign of you like one of my two friends in the whole world didn't love me anymore. Dancing late at night, getting stoned in a stranger's flat (did we get stoned or was the evening just trippy in itself, with all the crazy stories the dude was telling us, and the fiery heating and my crazy-thirsty nightmares?), hitch-hinking back to Glasgow in a milk van, peeing by the side of the road, inspecting an abandoned half-burnt house, the writing games, the mind games, the sex-hurt longing which we each had our own ways of dealing with: me, chocolate and food in general; you, double espressos and snus and nicotine patches and making fun of me because I suddenly looked like a girl: skirt, makeup, plats and ribbons in my hair - up until then you'd only known me as a queer filthy hippy climate change passivist, lost and guilty. And lonely. And helpless. One day I bump into you in the street, you give me some vitamins and a postcard and next thing I know it's been over a year and I know we will not speak to each other again. The vitamins have meanwhile been sleeping in the dark glass jar and becoming heavier every day, as if to tell me you could not take care of me any longer and now the vitamins would take your place if I would only let them.

One other memory makes you even more unreal, belonging more to romantic melodrama films than to actual life: I'm helping you fill out a form and hence discover Lisa isn't your real name. Your real name is something long and in Swedish and I will never be able to remember it.